Several months ago, I wrote and pitched an article idea to many publications. The point was to provide a somewhat satirical guide to anyone in America wanting to move to Canada, regardless of who might win the election. The article was not picked up. After some consideration, I am posting it here. It was edited after Hillary Clinton won the Democratic nomination. It was edited once more just to clean up some formatting before posting it here. Hopefully you find something funny within the words. For the record, I consider myself politically independent. I do not believe in partisan politics of any kind any more. Further, if I was an American voter, I never would have supported Donald Trump regardless of what banner he ran under. My reasons are many and need no explanation here. So, may you find laughter and light, in a world that has become so darkened with fear for so many.

Moving to Canada – A Basic Introduction Guide

Dear American Neighbors;

Many Americans have expressed a strong desire to relocate to Canada should Donald Trump be elected president this November. There is apparently also a club of people somewhere planning to relocate north to avoid the possibility of another administration bearing the Clinton name. Supporters of former presidential candidate Bernie Sanders have indicated they have long been considering moving to Canada to get a remote taste of policies that might appeal to them. Canada is a democracy has slowly moved past being a two-party political system with at least three proven electable options available to them. The socialist wing of MP’s in Canada’s Parliament advocate for a potential taste of the kinds of policies that would appeal to Sanders supporters.  This useful introductory guide should be of interest to them regardless of the election outcome.     

In my province of Nova Scotia, a movement was set afoot for potential Trumpugees to move to beautiful Cape Breton Island.  It is an Island awash in picturesque scenery and endless chapters of historical non-fiction narratives.  For more information about this movement, visit this website

As November approaches fast, I want to let all of you Americans know that they will be very much welcome in Canada. This is regardless of who is elected your new president.  If you will indulge me for a bit, there are some things you should know about our country. The following is meant to be a basic introduction to some things you should know when moving to Canada. It is not an all-inclusive guidebook by any means.  Such a complete guidebook would be very voluminous. It has yet to be written but maybe this could be the genesis of such an atlas.   

We Have Running Water

Contrary to some belief, many homes do have running water much the same as you already do. We use taps to dispense that water the same as you. When they break, we call a reputable plumber to fix them or attend the nearest home improvement store to buy new ones. We too have some Home Depot stores that are equally impossible to navigate. You will feel completely at home being able to run through this giant large store not being able to find anything for several minutes. Sometimes Garden Hoses might be found under signs that say “Insect Repellent”. Please do forgive us, it is our warped sense of humour that is unmistakably Canadian. Sometimes we are funny and sometimes we fall completely flat in our attempt to make people laugh. 

Lobster Citizenship Clarification

If seafood fans find themselves missing eating Maine Lobster, they can all rest easy.  Maine Lobster is exactly the same as any Lobster that would be caught in Canada’s part of the Atlantic Ocean. Sometimes the Maine Lobster swims into Canadian waters and vice versa. The Coast Guard has long been ordered to never detain any of the wandering crustaceans at our borders. They do not carry identification anyway.  In cooperation with Homeland Security and the U.S. Coast Guard, Lobsters are permitted free passage between Canadian and American waters. So when you enjoy “Atlantic Lobster” you can be assured it was possible that it may have once resided off the coast of Maine. We have no intentions of building a wall that will prevent Lobster from crossing into our undefended borders. 

The Myth of Free Health Care

We had Obamacare long before Obama was even born. We just call it healthcare. It is necessary to set the record straight about it. Canada’s Health Care system is not free.  Our country remains among the highest taxed in the G7 nations. It is paid for through those taxes. The Canadian healthcare system has significant problems which seem to constantly be making headlines within our own newspapers. There is a serious doctor shortage from coast to coast to coast. Many of our doctors flee south for the possibility of higher salaries to pay for bigger homes and fancier cars. People are often stuck resting in beds amongst emergency room hallways while they wait to move into a room. At the very least, know that once you are signed up for healthcare if you show up at an emergency room, you cannot be turned away.

Dialogue

Please, for the love of whatever you believe in, do not assume that the phrase “Eh?” is part of everyone’s vocabulary. I cannot count how many instances where I have met Americans who, once they find out I am Canadian, will interject “Eh?” into a conversation assuming that it somehow shows respect for the great white north. Please think before you speak this much overused word.  

Mannerisms

We apologize. We apologize a lot. Sometimes we apologize for absolutely no real clear reason.  We are simply unable to explain this. Moving along…. 

Wildlife

You may have seen episodes of The Price Is Right where trips to Toronto are offered as prizes for winning a game. As the door opens to reveal the trip as the prize, you see a lovely crafted scene of Toronto worked up by a talented set designer. In the middle of all of the street scenes you see a moose. That’s right a moose.  Moose do not exist in downtown Toronto or anywhere near the city limits. If you are travelling anywhere in Canada and expect to see moose, you will not find them in the suburbs of the city known affectionately as “Big Smoke”. If you really want to see some moose, I suggest you visit the aforementioned Cape Breton, rural parts of Newfoundland and Labrador, Northern Ontario or Waterton National Park located at the Alberta / Montana border. 

Regardless of the outcome in Decision 2016, know that we welcome those of you who might want to move here. Our hospitality is world-class. Our sense of humour is distinguishable, even if it needs a bit of work.

@WriterDann